Mixed feeling of farewell

10:08 PM, Ruang Tamu.

I don't know how to feel right now. This is what I really want to do all this time but now my heart feel all kind of emotions. Sad, guilty, all mixed up in my heart. Yes I'm really really sad to leave them all. I love that company, I love my job, I really love the peole there. I really really love it here. Everyone treat me so nice and positive too. Maybe because I know I will go, the time is near so I am little bit emotional and sensitive. 

Even tho i'm really really sad to leave, I can't back off now because this the only perfect time and chance I will get. I know no matter how hard it is to leave now, I will regret later if I'm not going forward. I need to do this for myself. I need to move to another phase. I need to be brave to take risk and grab another opportunity. I need to leave even it's hard. I need be courage to change environment. I need to learn to leave something and start taking care myself. But i never know it would be this painful.

Yes it was too hurt and painful to leave 💔💔💔 I know I'm complain and whining a lot about my working place but the actual truth is I love so much. I'm not sure if this just a syndrome but yes hurt is hurt! 😔

Why I leave? Let's figure out or make up a reason lol. First, you know how I always unsatisfied how people there always treat me like I'm not exist and unimportant (work wise. As an individual I really like them). And everytime it was like that, I can't help but to think I better resign and leave them. Second, consider how I always burn out and physically mentally tired because of traffic jam. Especially now they want to move office that even more far which like +15 minutes. Third, I'm afraid if I'm not moving forward now I will stuck forever in my comfort zone. It will be hard to move later on. To think that I'm stil young, I should take a lot of risk instead of staying in the same place for too long.

I should work hard more than before! While I'm still young, while I still can! Be brave! You can do it! Work harder! This is a time you can experience a lot of things, take a lot of challenges, learning and growth! Don't stuck in the same place over again and stay in your comfort zone! Growth! People comes and go, that's how it works. Don't be sad. Insyallah, there something better ahead.

So I already take a week of annual leave. On Friday I will send my resignation letter to my boss. It is what it is. 

I'm sorry. That's the most word I wanted to say to my boss.

Time to rage my anger

Genuine question, is it wrong if I refuse to give a hand when someone asking. Even if it's my sibling?

Today she ask me to help her washing ceiling fan and I refuse, I said I don't want. Why? Because I hella tired, my back pain, I had a rough week. I don't even want to do my laundry this weekend. Yes, i skip laundry this week. Both my mental and physical drowning. Pretty sure if I said I'm tired, she will not gonna take that seriously. Saying I always tired, I just give an excuse, I'm lazy. 

She start to have beef with me because I don't wanna help. Again, is it wrong for me to refuse? 

I want to talk about her a long time ago but I choose to keep silent because I'm trying to be patient but it seem like today is the day I will rage my anger.

Something about her, she doesn't to seem look at mirror too much. I mean she do look at mirror, always. But she doesn't seem to reflect herself. She barely to realize what people did is the reflection what she did to people. She don't like people condemned how her behave but that's what she does to me. She don't like people comment her choice, but that's what she did to people. She force me to follow where she want to go, but when it's come my turn to ask her company she give an excuse. It's okay for her to refuse if she don't wanna help, but get sulk if people do the same. Lying is just easy peasy to do. I see she's lying most of the time. She always give stupid remarks, but getting mad when people do. This one is always testing my patience. 

She always want to get angry. People give this remark, get angry. People give that remark, get angry. Haa macam kau sorang je boleh marah. And I don't even want to talk to her if she gives me stupid and nonsense remark, I just ignore. Annoyed.

Also, she has this munafik side of her. Sometime she look like she's soft, sometime a religious girl, sometime a side of her very2 annoyed to see and I don't even know what to call that. Arrogant? Yeah arrogant it is. She have this side sometime she's so arrogant, even with her others sibling. Then, when she's with her friend she pretend to be easy going bitch. Sometime with me and mom she's a sullen.

Somehow this week I'm so tired to deal with her. Usually I just trying to obey and be patience but this week ain't it. Probably because I need to meet and deal with people like her also in my office. Someone who's got same birth year and immature behavior. Someone who doesn't act like her age. I realized that this week I'm not giving in to anyone. I just wanna care about me first. People will think that I'm selfish but I believe thinking about ourselves is not selfish. I'm tired to always care about people. I'm tired listen to people problem. I'm tired being nice. Being too nice is a toxic sometime.