I don't know how long I want to keep up with this nonsense anymore. Sometime I think my boss care about me but most of the time actually he never care. Whether I'm in the office or not, I bring nothing. Literally nothing. I go to office as early as 7.30 am, arrive at 8.30++, seat on my table and getting ignored by everyone like I never exist until 5.30 pm, and go home spend 2 hours on the road, that's it! Meaningless. Totally meaningless.
It's not because I'm not proactive. It's because I don't feel like I've got superior there. I don't feel like people want me to belongs there. I feel Iike my boss never allowed me to engage with current project. I feel like my boss doesn't want me to involve on the project. Which I don't get it why.
As long as I know, all project that I handle previously get it done pretty well. All project were successfully deployed and barely got any critical issues arise. I take it that as success and i'm very proud of it. I just don't understand why my boss never ask me to involve with current project. This project was kinda a big project because we got from government. So I can't help but thinking that it was the reason why I can't participate. My boss not encourage me to participate because it was a big project. Is that it is?
From the very beginning, he never want me to involve. He not bother to ask me join the meeting, he didn't brief me anything about the project, he never explain. That is why I never show any interest on that project because they never include me from the start. I don't want to be involved at all. If they ever ask me about that project, I think I will really get mad.
I deserved to be angry. The time when he wants me to work together, he always brings up about team work. But when he exclude me from participate in the project, did he think of my feeling? At the end, I still need to work alone for other projects that have issue. Team work bs. Those 3 always missing at the office back then and I'm the one always been charged to solve any issue arise. And I think I handled it quite well. Problem that arise were solved but I doubt they even acknowledge my hard work. My boss never gave me any praise, never see what I'm doing behind his back, never see how I'm always giving my best. Yet he still talking about team work? Totally nonsense.
Many things I've done for company was overlooked. That time when I request to take one week break, I was denied. That time when I want to exclude myself from team lunch, I was not allowed. That time when I desperately want take a leave because of my mental health, I was being questioned. That time when I felt unfair treatment because others are allowed to not coming to office (for whatever reason) but I'm not allowed to. Yet, I'm trying being considerate. When my boss suggest me to come early to office, yet I still respectfully take his suggestion. I do come early to office. But what I get? Keep being ignored like I never exist.
I'm tired. I'm tired when my needs constantly being rejected . I'm tired being denied. I'm tired that my effort seems like never been appreciated. I'm tired to prove myself. I'm tired to make people understand. I'm doing my best for the company, but when I need mental health care what company doing for me? No, nothing cuz they never care. Just give me salary every month that's enough for them.
That's why I stop care for anyone. People don't care about me so I don't see why I need to care about people like I used to be.
When I feel alone in the office, I like to buy me chocolate drink. That's when I taste something sweet when everything feel so bitter. At least that's how I bear with what's going on.
I don't deserve to work in this company but I don't know how long I want to stay. I still can't find my way yet. I will keep be patience until I find my way. Please, be patient until then.
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