To the version of me that loved quietly, this is goodbye.

I wanted it to be something soft.

Something harmless.

Just a connection. A little warmth in a cold place.

But it turned into a slow unraveling of my peace.

I told myself I was being careful.

That I wasn’t crossing any lines.

That he was the one coming closer.

But even in all that, I felt the guilt.

Because some part of me knew.

Knew that a man who moves like that… doesn’t move innocently.

He never told me he was taken.

He let the silence shape the story.

He watched me struggle, watched me shrink my feelings,

and instead of stepping back,

he stepped closer.

Soft smiles.

Lingering words.

Concern disguised as care.

“I’m just checking if you’re okay,”

but never once asking,

“Am I being fair to you?”

And now I know.

it wasn’t just a relationship.

It was an engagement.

A commitment. A promise to someone else.

And he was standing on that promise

while trying to keep one foot in my world.

That’s not love.

That’s not friendship.

That’s a betrayal wearing perfume.

So here it is.

I’m stepping out of this.

Not because I hate him, but because I finally love myself more.

I will not be the “other girl.”

I will not be the reason someone doubts their worth.

I will not carry shame that does not belong to me.

He had a choice.

And so do I.

Let him flirt with guilt.

Let him play soft to avoid being the villain.

I don’t need to expose him.

His truth will catch up with him eventually.

As for me,

I will heal.

I will forgive myself.

I will grow into the kind of woman who no longer tolerates almosts and maybes.

The kind who doesn’t need to shrink just to be noticed.

This was not love.

This was a test.

And I’m walking out.

Whole.

Wiser.

And finally free.

Mr Ef: Grey Hoodie

Today I wore a grey hoodie, the same kind Mr. Ef wears almost every day. Not because I wanted to match or anything. I just genuinely didn’t know what to wear this morning. But of course, he noticed.

He looked at me and said, “Why is your hoodie same like mine though?” We ended up inspecting each other’s clothes lol but they weren’t exactly the same, but similar enough!

He was seated at the end of the island today, so every time I walked past to leave or return to my seat, I had to pass by him. And every single time, he either looked at me or said something 😳 So much butterfly 🤭

Later in the afternoon, he suddenly changed seats three tables apart from me, which all the tables between us were empty. Hahaha okay senang cuci mata!

There is moment when I was just staring blankly at my monitor, waiting for customer to reply and he noticed that. He laughed and said, “You stare at the monitor like you're reading a book." And the way he just laugh and smile, so cute I swear!

Who You?

I met this guy at my workplace. Let’s just call him Mr. Ef.

From the very first glance, the very first moment I saw him, I told myself, “Stay away.” You know the type: outspoken, friendly to everyone, always in the spotlight. People like that? They're my weakness. I’m quiet, reserved, and I thrive in peace. So for the first month, I tried so hard to keep my distance. I avoided eye contact at all costs and steered clear of any interaction.

But life has a funny way of throwing you right into the things you’re trying to avoid.

One day, as a clueless newbie, I had a question and asked my senior for help. Instead of answering, he went straight to Mr. Ef and asked him on my behalf. Just great. That moment opened the door I never wanted to even peek through. He ended up helping me with a customer issue, and I was genuinely grateful… but also panicked. From that day, I became even more cautious. I did everything I could to not communicate with him again.

Maybe he noticed. Maybe he sensed my anxious energy because one day, out of nowhere, he asked, “Why do you look like you’re scared of me?” I had no answer. I just stayed silent.

I even avoided the pantry just to not bump into him. I knew how he is. The moment he gets comfortable with someone, especially quiet types like me, he starts teasing and joke around. And I? I just want to work in peace, without drama, without noise.

But he’s… attentive. 

Whenever my team lead speaks to me, he always look like he was alert and that makes me anxious. He often tries to steal glances at me, and while I pretend not to notice, my heart race every time.

Lately though… things changed.

He helped me once, and no matter how much I wanted to keep my distance, it felt rude to stay cold toward someone who just being kind (plus he did nothing wrong). One day, as we left the office, I decided to be little nice so I asked like, “How are you going back?”, “What’s your schedule tomorrow?” Just small talk.

And then, once again: 

“Why do you look like you're afraid of me?”

"I’m not!” (But inside? I definitely am.)

The next day, he sat directly in front of me and since then, my peaceful routine shattered. He keeps glancing at me and teasingly asking, “Why are you nervous tho?” Since that short conversation the night before, my heart has been uncooperative, which is exactly what I wanted to avoid.

Sometimes, he also makes comments that hurt, and I’m torn between being flustered and frustrated. I even started ignoring him (again) and he, in return went silent. The next day, he sat behind me. This time, he was a little more respectful. No constant teasing. He even apologized when he did. He stopped asking why I seemed nervous. For the first time, he gave me some space.

A few days after, we accidentally crossed paths at the pantry. I tried to escape quickly, but he greeted me with a simple, “Are you still mad?” And I swear, I melted. Now, I catch myself glancing at him whenever I can, though I still keep my distance. He’s just… so attractive.

There was that moment at the lockers. Mine is next to his. He was already there, leaning on his locker, scrolling his phone. I was freaking out but pretending to be cool. He knows now... he knows staring at me makes me nervous, and he uses it. I hate him for that.

The most confusing and painful part of all this? I don’t know his true intentions. Is he genuine or just playing around? Does he already have a girlfriend? A fiancée, maybe? I don’t know. And not knowing… that’s what hurts the most.