Soon or later I will go

7:56 pm, laying on the bed...

I don't know how long I want to keep up with this nonsense anymore. Sometime I think my boss care about me but most of the time actually he never care. Whether I'm in the office or not, I bring nothing. Literally nothing. I go to office as early as 7.30 am, arrive at 8.30++, seat on my table and getting ignored by everyone like I never exist until 5.30 pm, and go home spend 2 hours on the road, that's it! Meaningless. Totally meaningless. 

It's not because I'm not proactive. It's because I don't feel like I've got superior there. I don't feel like people want me to belongs there. I feel Iike my boss never allowed me to engage with current project. I feel like my boss doesn't want me to involve on the project. Which I don't get it why. 

As long as I know, all project that I handle previously get it done pretty well. All project were successfully deployed and barely got any critical issues arise. I take it that as success and i'm very proud of it. I just don't understand why my boss never ask me to involve with current project. This project was kinda a big project because we got from government. So I can't help but thinking that it was the reason why I can't participate. My boss not encourage me to participate because it was a big project. Is that it is? 

From the very beginning, he never want me to involve. He not bother to ask me join the meeting, he didn't brief me anything about the project, he never explain. That is why I never show any interest on that project because they never include me from the start. I don't want to be involved at all. If they ever ask me about that project, I think I will really get mad. 

I deserved to be angry. The time when he wants me to work together, he always brings up about team work. But when he exclude me from participate in the project, did he think of my feeling? At the end, I still need to work alone for other projects that have issue. Team work bs. Those 3 always missing at the office back then and I'm the one always been charged to solve any issue arise. And I think I handled it quite well. Problem that arise were solved but I doubt they even acknowledge my hard work. My boss never gave me any praise, never see what I'm doing behind his back, never see how I'm always giving my best. Yet he still talking about team work? Totally nonsense.

Many things I've done for company was overlooked. That time when I request to take one week break, I was denied. That time when I want to exclude myself from team lunch, I was not allowed. That time when I desperately want take a leave because of my mental health, I was being questioned. That time when I felt unfair treatment because others are allowed to not coming to office (for whatever reason) but I'm not allowed to. Yet, I'm trying being considerate. When my boss suggest me to come early to office, yet I still respectfully take his suggestion. I do come early to office. But what I get? Keep being ignored like I never exist.

I'm tired. I'm tired when my needs constantly being rejected . I'm tired being denied. I'm tired that my effort seems like never been appreciated. I'm tired to prove myself.  I'm tired to make people understand. I'm doing my best for the company, but when I need mental health care what company doing for me? No, nothing cuz they never care. Just give me salary every month that's enough for them.

That's why I stop care for anyone. People don't care about me so I don't see why I need to care about people like I used to be. 

When I feel alone in the office, I like to buy me chocolate drink. That's when I taste something sweet when everything feel so bitter. At least that's how I bear with what's going on.

I don't deserve to work in this company but I don't know how long I want to stay. I still can't find my way yet. I will keep be patience until I find my way. Please, be patient until then.

Do you even care?

4.26 AM, On the sofa...

This post is not to aim my boss or anything. It just that I feel disturb somehow and I need to let it out. Okay I don't want this post to be so long so let's make it quick 

Recently, this past few weeks (or months?) I noticed that my boss suddenly turn cold shoulder towards me. Okay, maybe he just not a friendly person but I never see him ignore anyone like he ignore me. Did I'm the one who's wrong? I can't help but to be bother by this or maybe it can lead me to stress!

On top of that, somehow he didn't seem to care of my needs as his employee. I'm not a prominent staff like others in the office I know and he's not totally disregard me too. If I state my problem to him, he do suggested me alternatives but it's more like, "I gave you solution and if you cannot take it, that's it." kind of thing.

First, I told him last time that I want to work from home for a week because I want to take a break from commute to work (After a lot of consideration and thoughts). I really half-dying due to traffic jam, and I really need that break! I really do. That's not the first time I told him about the worst traffic jam I need to face everyday, plus he acknowledged that situation and fully aware. Imagine to face traffic jam for 3 hours everyday. I was exhausted, energy drain, mentally breakdown and what I need is to take a break. 

He said that I cannot work from home for a week, just take one day. He also said that maybe I should come to office earlier as that is one of my officemate is doing to avoid jam. Come to office 1 hour earlier. If he knows better, come to office earlier will not solve the problem. Traffic will remain jam it doesn't matter if it was early or later, as long as it's peak hours, road will remain busy. Nothing could change. So I just respond to him, "I will think about that again since it will not be easy to adjust." Probably that's my problem. I can't stand on my point to make it valid and then he just assume everything's okay with me. *sigh

To be fair, I CAN work from home it doesn't matter because in fact all my jobs can be easily done using laptop. No collaboration needed (maybe small2 one) because usually my existence in the office feel like non-existent so I don't understand the need of me to be in the office. Especially when my boss choose to exclude me from his list of existence people, I don't understand why he wants me to be in the office. Therefore, my positive mind took that as, "Maybe he wants me to assist the team if they need my help since I know business process better. Plus he may want to be fair for other employees too. It must be uncomfortable to give me that privilege." I do have positive thinking.

But the problem is he allowed other staff to work from home for a week but not me. It was just—so unfair. Others can but why not me?

When life gave me 🍋

 9:07 AM, In the office...

I hate it when life playing tricks with me. The moment I want to change my life for the better, there must something coming out of my way. Okay, it's not always happening but still get on my nerves everytime.

For example, today. Today is Friday, a last day of the weekend. A day where my  motivation strangely soaring. I wake up in the morning and getting ready to go to work, hoping that today will be a bless and peaceful day.

Oh ya, this week I was determined that I will go to work by 8.30 AM so I can came home early at 5.30 PM. Actually I want to clock in at 8 but I never make it because even 8.30 AM was so hard, I barely make it though. It just me against the time. This week everything went so quick that I was so hasty and hurried for everything. I basically need to rush to get ready, to take breakfast, to fueling petrol, to lunch, to dinner, and also when going to sleep (ya need to sleep early to wake up early). My mom also got dragged for my time-changing because she also need dashing to prepare breakfast. Now my sister also didn't bring lunchbox to office anymore since my mom cannot make it to prepare them. Yeah basically everyone was affected because of my determination to change. Somehow make me guilty. I'm working so hard for what?

Okay back to the story, I coming out from house quiet early around 7.20 AM. Since it's friday, I didn't expect for heavy traffic because supposedly friday was a calm day in the morning (different story when coming home). Road are clear and not very busy like usual. And then, when I want to start my car suddenly engine cannot start. I swear, it always happen when I come out early!! 

After many attempts, tadaaa it can be started. But only after I wasted about 10 minutes. Now time is not gold anymore, it's freaking platinum card. Cannot be wasted even 1 second. Okay, that's first. Second, the road that supposed to be calm and clear on Friday, suddenly got heavy traffic. I was like— I'm so furious. I mean whyyy? Previous fridays not like this? That's why I said life playing tricks with me.

And I didn't manage to arrive office at 8.30 AM and late like 10-15 minutes which kinda upsetting for me. I hate it. It just me against the world.