A journal journey

Mixed feeling of farewell

10:08 PM, Ruang Tamu.

I don't know how to feel right now. This is what I really want to do all this time but now my heart feel all kind of emotions. Sad, guilty, all mixed up in my heart. Yes I'm really really sad to leave them all. I love that company, I love my job, I really love the peole there. I really really love it here. Everyone treat me so nice and positive too. Maybe because I know I will go, the time is near so I am little bit emotional and sensitive. 

Even tho i'm really really sad to leave, I can't back off now because this the only perfect time and chance I will get. I know no matter how hard it is to leave now, I will regret later if I'm not going forward. I need to do this for myself. I need to move to another phase. I need to be brave to take risk and grab another opportunity. I need to leave even it's hard. I need be courage to change environment. I need to learn to leave something and start taking care myself. But i never know it would be this painful.

Yes it was too hurt and painful to leave 💔💔💔 I know I'm complain and whining a lot about my working place but the actual truth is I love so much. I'm not sure if this just a syndrome but yes hurt is hurt! 😔

Why I leave? Let's figure out or make up a reason lol. First, you know how I always unsatisfied how people there always treat me like I'm not exist and unimportant (work wise. As an individual I really like them). And everytime it was like that, I can't help but to think I better resign and leave them. Second, consider how I always burn out and physically mentally tired because of traffic jam. Especially now they want to move office that even more far which like +15 minutes. Third, I'm afraid if I'm not moving forward now I will stuck forever in my comfort zone. It will be hard to move later on. To think that I'm stil young, I should take a lot of risk instead of staying in the same place for too long.

I should work hard more than before! While I'm still young, while I still can! Be brave! You can do it! Work harder! This is a time you can experience a lot of things, take a lot of challenges, learning and growth! Don't stuck in the same place over again and stay in your comfort zone! Growth! People comes and go, that's how it works. Don't be sad. Insyallah, there something better ahead.

So I already take a week of annual leave. On Friday I will send my resignation letter to my boss. It is what it is. 

I'm sorry. That's the most word I wanted to say to my boss.

Time to rage my anger

Genuine question, is it wrong if I refuse to give a hand when someone asking. Even if it's my sibling?

Today she ask me to help her washing ceiling fan and I refuse, I said I don't want. Why? Because I hella tired, my back pain, I had a rough week. I don't even want to do my laundry this weekend. Yes, i skip laundry this week. Both my mental and physical drowning. Pretty sure if I said I'm tired, she will not gonna take that seriously. Saying I always tired, I just give an excuse, I'm lazy. 

She start to have beef with me because I don't wanna help. Again, is it wrong for me to refuse? 

I want to talk about her a long time ago but I choose to keep silent because I'm trying to be patient but it seem like today is the day I will rage my anger.

Something about her, she doesn't to seem look at mirror too much. I mean she do look at mirror, always. But she doesn't seem to reflect herself. She barely to realize what people did is the reflection what she did to people. She don't like people condemned how her behave but that's what she does to me. She don't like people comment her choice, but that's what she did to people. She force me to follow where she want to go, but when it's come my turn to ask her company she give an excuse. It's okay for her to refuse if she don't wanna help, but get sulk if people do the same. Lying is just easy peasy to do. I see she's lying most of the time. She always give stupid remarks, but getting mad when people do. This one is always testing my patience. 

She always want to get angry. People give this remark, get angry. People give that remark, get angry. Haa macam kau sorang je boleh marah. And I don't even want to talk to her if she gives me stupid and nonsense remark, I just ignore. Annoyed.

Also, she has this munafik side of her. Sometime she look like she's soft, sometime a religious girl, sometime a side of her very2 annoyed to see and I don't even know what to call that. Arrogant? Yeah arrogant it is. She have this side sometime she's so arrogant, even with her others sibling. Then, when she's with her friend she pretend to be easy going bitch. Sometime with me and mom she's a sullen.

Somehow this week I'm so tired to deal with her. Usually I just trying to obey and be patience but this week ain't it. Probably because I need to meet and deal with people like her also in my office. Someone who's got same birth year and immature behavior. Someone who doesn't act like her age. I realized that this week I'm not giving in to anyone. I just wanna care about me first. People will think that I'm selfish but I believe thinking about ourselves is not selfish. I'm tired to always care about people. I'm tired listen to people problem. I'm tired being nice. Being too nice is a toxic sometime.

Bad not always meaning bad

9.30 am, tepi katil master room...

I don't know what to begin with because I don't really have anything to write. Actually I do, but when it's time to write suddenly my brain was blank. Tsk.

This week goes like usual, yeah I'm tired but survived anyways. 

This week I go to office with my sister's car, officially. Because you know what, something extraordinary happen to me recently. I've said before this that my car always misbehave out of nowhere when I was in hurry. And it's happen again last week. I cannot start my car that morning. Yes, it always like that. Usually it will take 10-15 minutes until it finally can be started. Somehow, that morning I don't feel like trying that much and somehow it occurs to me, "Why don't I just use my sister's car and she can use my brother's."

So I just decide to stop trying. I take my my bag that I put on the passenger side, grab the car key and came out from the car.  I go back to my house and find for my sister upstair. 

"Sis, I want to borrow your car today. Unfortunately my car cannot start," I said hurriedly and go back downstair to take the car key. 

Unofficially, I use my sister's car to go to office that week while I will trying again to start my car on weekend.

Fast forward, my brother (a mechanic) coming to my house last week. Since he was here, my mom inform him regarding my car and request him to check on it. So, according to him my car brake oil was TOTALLY DRY because got brake oil leaking! Everyone was surprised.

Imagine if that day my car didn't misbehave. Imagine if I didn't give up and manage to start the car's engine. Something terrifying might happen to me. Ya Allah I was so grateful. That car act mischievous for a reason lol.

So, officially this week I drive my sister's car to go to office until my brother can help with my car.

Also, this week my officemate who I'm a bit close to didn't coming to office because positive covid. My boss also didn't come for this whole week. I think my week kinda bearable 😂😂

Soon or later I will go

7:56 pm, laying on the bed...

I don't know how long I want to keep up with this nonsense anymore. Sometime I think my boss care about me but most of the time actually he never care. Whether I'm in the office or not, I bring nothing. Literally nothing. I go to office as early as 7.30 am, arrive at 8.30++, seat on my table and getting ignored by everyone like I never exist until 5.30 pm, and go home spend 2 hours on the road, that's it! Meaningless. Totally meaningless. 

It's not because I'm not proactive. It's because I don't feel like I've got superior there. I don't feel like people want me to belongs there. I feel Iike my boss never allowed me to engage with current project. I feel like my boss doesn't want me to involve on the project. Which I don't get it why. 

As long as I know, all project that I handle previously get it done pretty well. All project were successfully deployed and barely got any critical issues arise. I take it that as success and i'm very proud of it. I just don't understand why my boss never ask me to involve with current project. This project was kinda a big project because we got from government. So I can't help but thinking that it was the reason why I can't participate. My boss not encourage me to participate because it was a big project. Is that it is? 

From the very beginning, he never want me to involve. He not bother to ask me join the meeting, he didn't brief me anything about the project, he never explain. That is why I never show any interest on that project because they never include me from the start. I don't want to be involved at all. If they ever ask me about that project, I think I will really get mad. 

I deserved to be angry. The time when he wants me to work together, he always brings up about team work. But when he exclude me from participate in the project, did he think of my feeling? At the end, I still need to work alone for other projects that have issue. Team work bs. Those 3 always missing at the office back then and I'm the one always been charged to solve any issue arise. And I think I handled it quite well. Problem that arise were solved but I doubt they even acknowledge my hard work. My boss never gave me any praise, never see what I'm doing behind his back, never see how I'm always giving my best. Yet he still talking about team work? Totally nonsense.

Many things I've done for company was overlooked. That time when I request to take one week break, I was denied. That time when I want to exclude myself from team lunch, I was not allowed. That time when I desperately want take a leave because of my mental health, I was being questioned. That time when I felt unfair treatment because others are allowed to not coming to office (for whatever reason) but I'm not allowed to. Yet, I'm trying being considerate. When my boss suggest me to come early to office, yet I still respectfully take his suggestion. I do come early to office. But what I get? Keep being ignored like I never exist.

I'm tired. I'm tired when my needs constantly being rejected . I'm tired being denied. I'm tired that my effort seems like never been appreciated. I'm tired to prove myself.  I'm tired to make people understand. I'm doing my best for the company, but when I need mental health care what company doing for me? No, nothing cuz they never care. Just give me salary every month that's enough for them.

That's why I stop care for anyone. People don't care about me so I don't see why I need to care about people like I used to be. 

When I feel alone in the office, I like to buy me chocolate drink. That's when I taste something sweet when everything feel so bitter. At least that's how I bear with what's going on.

I don't deserve to work in this company but I don't know how long I want to stay. I still can't find my way yet. I will keep be patience until I find my way. Please, be patient until then.

Do you even care?

4.26 AM, On the sofa...

This post is not to aim my boss or anything. It just that I feel disturb somehow and I need to let it out. Okay I don't want this post to be so long so let's make it quick 

Recently, this past few weeks (or months?) I noticed that my boss suddenly turn cold shoulder towards me. Okay, maybe he just not a friendly person but I never see him ignore anyone like he ignore me. Did I'm the one who's wrong? I can't help but to be bother by this or maybe it can lead me to stress!

On top of that, somehow he didn't seem to care of my needs as his employee. I'm not a prominent staff like others in the office I know and he's not totally disregard me too. If I state my problem to him, he do suggested me alternatives but it's more like, "I gave you solution and if you cannot take it, that's it." kind of thing.

First, I told him last time that I want to work from home for a week because I want to take a break from commute to work (After a lot of consideration and thoughts). I really half-dying due to traffic jam, and I really need that break! I really do. That's not the first time I told him about the worst traffic jam I need to face everyday, plus he acknowledged that situation and fully aware. Imagine to face traffic jam for 3 hours everyday. I was exhausted, energy drain, mentally breakdown and what I need is to take a break. 

He said that I cannot work from home for a week, just take one day. He also said that maybe I should come to office earlier as that is one of my officemate is doing to avoid jam. Come to office 1 hour earlier. If he knows better, come to office earlier will not solve the problem. Traffic will remain jam it doesn't matter if it was early or later, as long as it's peak hours, road will remain busy. Nothing could change. So I just respond to him, "I will think about that again since it will not be easy to adjust." Probably that's my problem. I can't stand on my point to make it valid and then he just assume everything's okay with me. *sigh

To be fair, I CAN work from home it doesn't matter because in fact all my jobs can be easily done using laptop. No collaboration needed (maybe small2 one) because usually my existence in the office feel like non-existent so I don't understand the need of me to be in the office. Especially when my boss choose to exclude me from his list of existence people, I don't understand why he wants me to be in the office. Therefore, my positive mind took that as, "Maybe he wants me to assist the team if they need my help since I know business process better. Plus he may want to be fair for other employees too. It must be uncomfortable to give me that privilege." I do have positive thinking.

But the problem is he allowed other staff to work from home for a week but not me. It was just—so unfair. Others can but why not me?

When life gave me 🍋

 9:07 AM, In the office...

I hate it when life playing tricks with me. The moment I want to change my life for the better, there must something coming out of my way. Okay, it's not always happening but still get on my nerves everytime.

For example, today. Today is Friday, a last day of the weekend. A day where my  motivation strangely soaring. I wake up in the morning and getting ready to go to work, hoping that today will be a bless and peaceful day.

Oh ya, this week I was determined that I will go to work by 8.30 AM so I can came home early at 5.30 PM. Actually I want to clock in at 8 but I never make it because even 8.30 AM was so hard, I barely make it though. It just me against the time. This week everything went so quick that I was so hasty and hurried for everything. I basically need to rush to get ready, to take breakfast, to fueling petrol, to lunch, to dinner, and also when going to sleep (ya need to sleep early to wake up early). My mom also got dragged for my time-changing because she also need dashing to prepare breakfast. Now my sister also didn't bring lunchbox to office anymore since my mom cannot make it to prepare them. Yeah basically everyone was affected because of my determination to change. Somehow make me guilty. I'm working so hard for what?

Okay back to the story, I coming out from house quiet early around 7.20 AM. Since it's friday, I didn't expect for heavy traffic because supposedly friday was a calm day in the morning (different story when coming home). Road are clear and not very busy like usual. And then, when I want to start my car suddenly engine cannot start. I swear, it always happen when I come out early!! 

After many attempts, tadaaa it can be started. But only after I wasted about 10 minutes. Now time is not gold anymore, it's freaking platinum card. Cannot be wasted even 1 second. Okay, that's first. Second, the road that supposed to be calm and clear on Friday, suddenly got heavy traffic. I was like— I'm so furious. I mean whyyy? Previous fridays not like this? That's why I said life playing tricks with me.

And I didn't manage to arrive office at 8.30 AM and late like 10-15 minutes which kinda upsetting for me. I hate it. It just me against the world.